I wrote this blog and started it on the basis of being completely honest through my trip about my time here... And right now I am feeling so crappy.
I finally had my first crying phone call home tonight. I feel so bad because I called mom at work and compltetely broke down after talking to dad right before. I am homesick, I am heartsick and I am just plain sick. I knew coming into this, it was going to be hard and I was prepared for what I thought "hard" meant. When I am with my kids, playing, dancing and laughing - nothing else matters. But behind the kids... Nothing feels right - right now. I know this will pass and I know I will get better ... but right now... I want to be upset with everything I am feeling.
I am heartsick because seeing the local kids rummage through the dumpster for food on a daily basis upsets me. Seeing my kids bloated tummies as a sign of malnutrition doesn't seem real, the constant reminder of how good home is makes me feel spoiled and ungrateful and hearing some of the heartbreaking stories about the mamas and their family life really can be a shocking reminder of what life is truly like here.
I don't want to sound like a complainer or even come off as ungrateful for my opportunities here but as I lay in bed right now... I have had a stomach ache for nearly a week, my left side of my jaw is swollen and really sore, my head is pounding and I haven't had a... decent bathroom visit... in I don't know how long.
Yes, I am sick and yes, I feel like a truck has hit me (or maybe a car... right dad? =)) I am still so happy I am able to be here.
I don't know if I will honestly be able to last 3 entire months of this but I am going to stick it out and I am going to do my best. I know there is no place like home and I hope each and every person reading this realizes just how lucky you truly are to have proper food in your tummy, a solid roof over your head and clothes you can change every day and get rid of when they have a tear or become slightly worn.
Things will get better and I know tomorrow is a new day so here is hoping...
xo*
We are so sorry you are not healthy these days !!you need to take all the vitamines you can find..that will keep everything funtioning..Reflexolagy(lotion on the feet)..Collect call everyone you know!!!that will help the homesickness... our prayers are with you LOve you aunty Joan 250-448-8251 oxoxo
ReplyDeleteAw honey who knew saving the world one child at a time would be so hard? This is all part of why you are there and this is why everyone says you will be a changed young lady when you come home. Perhaps it helps you to understand danyne too. Imagine living there day after day trying to do good but dealing with the hardship and lives of people you are trying to help. Maybe that is why Danyne is so angry now she is trying to help those babies and dealing dishonest and conniving ladies that she employees. I'm not saying all the mammas are bad you know they are not but all it takes is one to upset the whole system. Be strong and go talk to Danyne and also ask her about going to the DR. she will know where to go and call the insurance people too! You are allowed bad days and go ahead and call Aunty Joan and whoever else Grandma and Grandpa and Nana everyone will make time to talk....Love you lots and miss you lots BE STRONG if you sense something is not right do something about it!!!! XOXOXOXO
ReplyDeleteTarrah- You are very brave! I wasn't brave enough to go to a place where I didn't speak the language. I am so very proud of you to go and help out these poor children who don't have a mother and a father to have put them to bed every night. You are doing such a wonderful thing.
ReplyDeleteEven though I went to western countries I still know how hard it is to be away from your family where they are not sharing in your adventures. the only thing that I can tell you is that it should get easier as you find your stride in your new surroundings. Any new adventure is going to have a point where you hit the rock bottom but you know what once you start going up into something familiar it will be time for you to go home.
I felt like this when I went to Australia by myself. It didn't feel right because it wasn't home. I did go home before my time was up and although every choice in life shapes you- I will always wonder what might have been had I stayed. I regretted it.
You have a great support system. You can call me anytime. 204-633-1736. You are doing an amazing thing by helping those children even for a short time.
Definitely get checked out with the Dr. Feeling sick will always make you feel more homesick. Most importantly- give yourself permission to feel homesick. It's not a bad thing. It's normal and natural and although it won't ever go away completely... it does get better.
Love you loads,
Keri xx
Hi Tarrah
ReplyDeleteJust read your Cranky Day.Wish I could give you a BIG HUG to make you feel better. Hug your pillow and think of Grandma (soft and mushy).Sorry you are having some health problems as well but I am sure they will help you if you ask. You will be okay my dear and will make it to the end. Just think of how happy you make those little ones feel when you have them in your care with hugs and fun times. I know it is hard to seem them lacking food and in poor health but you are there to give them your care and love. You are strong Tarrah and can do it!!! Home will be there aftr your three months with all your support family and you will be proud of all you have accomplished in your time away.
It is cold,windy and raining in Calgary at the present time. Enjoy the heat, we would love some even though we need the moisture.
Any time you need to talk the phone is open and collect calls accepted
Remember, We love you and know you will succeed. Grandma
Dear Tarrah,
ReplyDeleteI was saddened to read your latest Bloc, (Cranky April 22, 2010) I also note you have received good advice from your Mom and Auntie and a friend. Nice to know you have so many people offering words of encouragement and support.
One thing I have often wondered about when I study my genealogy especially from a historical perspective is why was the British society of a hundred years or more ago so cruel? Factual histories of certain time periods report many inequities where innocent people are treated very harshly and yet that was the norm rather than the exception. Life was pretty cheap.
Then suddenly I learned it is impossible to judge the past by the present. Social justice, at least in the Western World, has come a long way since the 1800 and 1900 hundreds. Trying to reason past brutish behaviours by overlaying our current social standards is pure folly.
In this round about observation I am trying to make the point that what your are seeing, experiencing and feeling in Jinja is upsetting because you are measuring the situation based on your lived experiences from living in Alberta.
Seeing bad things happen to oppressed people, especially women and children, is not easy to accept. Still, I think it important to realize that real advancement within a society in these matters is a slow process, hampered by many years of political unrest and social disorder.
So that leaves the question what can be done to make things better for the local population where you are now? Well one thing that can be done is to have kind dedicated people like you come to help. I suspect your very presence in the orphanage brings hope and optimism to the people you contact.
Fortunately you have a number of very natural gifts to bring to the situation in which you find yourself. Your bright cheerful disposition, intelligence and sensitivity are wonderful gifts to share freely with those around you.
Tarrah there is no shame in saying, “I can’t handle this any more.” “I’d like to go home.” Everyone would understand your reasoning given what you are experiencing. I do wonder however if you would later regret such an outcome?
What ever you do take your time with your decision. Always know that you have the love and support of family and friends.
On the medical side I strongly encourage you to seek competent medical advice and treatment so to regain complete health. When this happens it will be the time to consider your next step!
Love and Best Wishes,
Grandpa.
OH TARRAH....WHAT BEAUTIFUL COMMENTS FROM AUNTY JOAN ;GRAMMA & GRANDPA AND KERRIANNE....I CAN'T SAY MUCH MORE EXCEPT...BRIAN & I WAIT FOR YOUR BLOG ENTERS EVERYDAY....SO WE THINK OF YOU &your little ones...on their potty's...lol....take your mom's advice...if you need to talk ....you know we're always here....6days a week...so call monday to saturday as we're out of here sunday....lol Take care of yourself.love &prayers are with you ....love NANA
ReplyDeleteTerrah hang in there! Its never easy dealing with those problems, (I had a several crying episodes when I was there too). Just think of all the lives you are helping with those kids -and you are helping even if it doesn't feel like it. Chin up! (Much luv Kelly "weasel" Bloomberg and Leanne "no creativity" Paetkau
ReplyDelete