This entry isn't going to be about what I have been doing or what is new in Africa. This entry is going to be all about my feelings and my health.
I have to take my Malaria medicine once a week and I chose Lariam simply because it was the least expensive and having to take it for what would of been 16 weeks, I wanted to save my pocket as best I could. I knew the risks with all malaria medication and I thought I could handle it. Well, I knew I was feeling slightly off balance (literally) since probably the 3rd week I took it and didn't think it would be a big deal. So I bump into things once in a while? I have also had bad dreams (which are a common side effect) but it would like, I would wake up scared and not know why so I just brushed it off. And then within the last 2 weeks, I have really noticed a change in my attitude and outlook on life. We went to the village on Saturday and it really hit me then that some day, I am going to die. And I ended up having a panic attack. I mean, I have always known that this is how life goes and I understand that everyone and everything eventually dies. It is the circle of life, right? I don't know why but it has made me start thinking in over drive. I have always been terrified of flying and little things here and there through out my trip have made me casually think about the end of my life. Nothing too major, just little reminders every once in a while. Where will I go? What will happen to my thoughts and my heart and my voice? Will I ever see my mom and dad again? I have been struggling since day 1 of being in Africa with the thought of God and who He really is and if He really exists. I am struggling with the choices I want to make in leading a Christian lifestyle and in my over active thought process I came to the conclusion that all these thoughts and reminders are 1 of 3 things...
1)It is just my medication and I really am going crazy.
2)God is trying to show me the way to a Christian lifestyle and is helping me better understand who I want to be.
3)God is preparing me for something bad.
And for anyone that knows me, I had being a burden and I don't like voicing my concerns... But yesterday, I broke down. I have never felt so scared in my life. I couldn't end my thought process and I couldn't calm down. My friend and room mate, Sarah, was there to listen to me as I rambled on about my life and what it means and where I will go and blah blah blah... I ended up calling home around 4:30 am (Lethbridge Time) and I was hysterically crying for most of the day. I know I scared mom enough to call the Amani Director and I ended up just telling everyone my fears and concerns. The girls were so good and they totally came to my side and we ended up talking for about an hour about the Afterlife and being a Christian and what it is truly like. I went to bed and prayed 3 or 4 times for God to keep me safe and help me through this. But even as I write this, the next day, I am fighting back tears and trying so desperately to push out all of my negative thoughts. I know when I get home, I want to change and I want to open myself to a better lifestyle but I just want to take it 1 day at a time. Even though, right now, I don't know what that means. I feel lost and confused. I feel scared of the unknown and I feel overwhelmed by the constant emotions.
The nurse that is at Amani told me to stop taking the medication (I really only have 3 or 4 left) and to just make sure I am using bug spray as well as keeping myself covered up. She said this is so common with Lariam as it is such a powerful drug. This made me feel better that it is just the medication talking but it is also scary because I have never in my life felt this hopeless. I am tired, I am weak, I am emotionally exhausted. I wish I could turn my brain off for a week so I could recover and move on. I am ready to see my mom and go home.
So, please keep me in your prayers and help me fight whatever this is. I am in need of any help I can get right now and I now know, I need to not be afriad to ask for help when I need it.
I love you all.
xo*
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
OK I must admit that when you get a call at 4:30 in the morning and your daughteer is asking about what it feels like to die you get a little rattled. What do you say....I started with "well you end up in the ground..." but from there I really had no answers. You are thousands of miles away and I couldn't see you to make sure you are ok. i know that in the weeks to come there will be many internal struggles for you to deal with, you will have many questions and Dad and I will be there for support as we don't always have answers but we can help you find them if you ask!!!!
ReplyDeleteLove you and miss you xoxox
God is with you Tarrah...He is carrying you through, this time of hopelessness...God Knows all your pain...He will give you strength to cope with life...this is what parents do...Pray for there children,to have a happy and healthy life..You had a shock of reality ..Now believe in yourself to finish Gods work...we are praying everystep of the way for you..Be Happy, Healthy,& safe Love Aunty & Uncle oxoxox
ReplyDeleteTarrah ..everybody is lost and confused all the time,Nobody ever admits it ..this is what life is all about ..the good thing is.. we have family and friends that help us through eveyday life..No easy answers ..just alot of caring people ..Hope this can give you peace of mind.. we love you oxoxo Aunty Joan oxox
ReplyDeleteTarrah
ReplyDeleteWe do hope that this drug has had a strange reaction for you and that you can put it in the past and think of it as just that.Reaction to drugs can do very odd things to some people and one never knows what that will be until it has built up in the system. Grandma just had to go off one that did very strange things to me and I didn't like it very much. I went off on my own but did contact the doctor who told me not to take it. I didn't have the thoughts you did but the feelings etc. were not very good.I do hope you are now over that and can have a happy last time in the area with your little ones and look forward to your next venture with Mom. I will buy a set of jewellery from you if you are still planning to bring some home to earn money for the family. Take care of yourself,be happy and enjoy your last weeks. We look forward to a big hug on Canadian soil. Love you
Grandma and Grandpa